Self Portrait

This was me having a play at a self portrait... seeing as I don't have a picture of me that I wanted to copy I decided to create something slightly more abstract

There are loads of things I do around the outside

• beads and my glass work are represented by the white circles
• There are brown dots which look like reeds which represents my love of water
• there are musical notes
• there is golden wool which I used when I made our wedding invites

But the thing is that these are the things that are outside of me.  It is the things that make me up, my hopes and my fears, my dreams and ambitions which make up who I am.  They are the core of my being

Starting to Unravel

I found this guy when I was out yesterday and he seemed to summarize what I was feeling in my post yesterday about wanting to run away from what I had signed up to do.

Now not being one to run away from how I am feeling I've jumped into the tasks that we've been set.  The truth is I can not help but compare my pictures the the beautiful ones that every one else is producing however that isn't going to stop me participating... although when feeling too raw might stop me looking at everyone else's photos.

These two pictures go in tandem for me.   it was one of those moments when you realize your images portray something of what you are feeling.  The colourful one is when not working the other one is when I was.  The work one looks so boring while the non working one has so many colours and textures in.  the interesting thing for me is that at work I have complete freedom to design my job as the job description isn't written in stone... yet I've brought that work is boring attitude with me.

Something to ponder... how to find the adventure in my paid work because it truly is a new venture and nationally there is no script for it.

Unravelling

I have signed up to do an e-course called Unravelling. Its a photography course looking at connecting more deeply with yourself. 

I've been getting really excited over the last couple of days waiting for the start of the course and now its here... well I find myself turning and looking for my familiar rock to hide under.

Now the truth is I haven't taken a single photograph yet for the course and I already feel like I'm unravelling, well falling apart at least.  I find myself besieged with fears that I'm not good enough, that my photos will be dull and boring, that it will reveal that my life isn't good enough and just how messy I am. 

Logically I know I don't have to share anything and that its not a competition to see who has captured the best image.  Still my fear says I cant do it, that I will be bottom of the class and find myself as an outsider to the group.

Man I didn't think the idea of taking pictures of my feet would be just so hard.

I guess I am currently on a journey which seems to be all about stripping away some of the masks which I hide behind.  Because my photography isn't great and often I do not think too much about the composition of the photograph, I know the snaps I take are going to be raw.  They are going to show me things which I find uncomfortable and are just so gonna slam that not good enough button.  I fear the images will not be beautiful enough.

Listen to me I'm comparing in my head my photographs to someone, in the course leader, who is a professional photographer.... arrrrrrrggg

I just really hope that over the next few weeks I really do become more connected with me and in finding that sense of me have courage to show the real me to the world.

Energy of the Heart

I've been thinking about the idea of people stealing your heart.  All I know is that my heart belongs to one man in terms of loving him but I am becoming aware that people are able to steal pieces of my heart.

Every time I'm angry or can not get over something I believe I've done wrong, for a time my thoughts and my energies all to often end up focused on something that makes me so sad that I find it hard to move forward.  For a time my heart has been stolen.  Yet the truth is but mulling on the injustice I allow them to steal my heart.

These thoughts were all triggered by an incident yesterday when a customer service agent rather than helping me solve my problem, told me she wasn't paid enough, the location of her office and all the things she couldn't do for me, then accused me of abusing her.  Not true but the anger I felt stole my energy for nearly 24 hours.

So I choose to focus the energy of my heart towards my lovely husband.  We're kinda doing the whole valentines day thing early.  Andy because he wanted me to be able to enjoy my flowers for the whole of tomorrow and not just when they turned up and me.. cos he kinda saw what I was making for him by accident

 

The shoes in the picture are his shoes which he uses to walk the dog. Having not drawn for a while, I was quite impressed by how they turned out.  I'm including them as my creative item for the week as in truth this is all I've managed to finish.  I'm not sure why this week has been so uncreative art wise where as in my paid job its been a real revelation, and the blank job description I've been given is beginning to take some kind of shape.

Still too cold

I've still not managed to get out the shed to melt glass.  I have to say I'm really missing it.  I have an incredible need to be creative at the moment so I will just have to finish the resin pieces I'm working on.

I went into Kingston today to find a place to read and drink tea.  I found the place so busy and soul-less, there was no where I felt like being.  My foot fall matched those of everyone around me.  Full of haste and anxiety.  It was only when I stopped and looked around did I finally some beauty in the world around.  Some of it man made in the graceful arches.  But also in the path by the river.

For some reason I'm beginning to feel like the new year is finally hear.  I have an optimism and a hope such as you would expect at the start of a new year.  So it feels like a time for resolutions for setting goals.  Last year I promised myself I would do more of what made me happy and less of what made me sad. 

That was a really important starting place and to be honest it was something that really resonated with me throughout the year.  As a consequence of that I've changed jobs and in that process possibly career... I need to see how that one pans out.  Lost weight.  I'm also beginning to learn how to love that reflection in the mirror regardless of how it "should" look. 

So what does this new year look like for me.

Well I've written about finishing at least one piece a week, so that's one goal.

I've decided to do Race for Life this year.  I wish I could say there was some altruistic reason but the truth is I'm needing to focus my attention on a goal to get my exercise back on track.  So that means I've given myself 17 weeks to get fit enough to "run" 5K... about 3 miles.  At the moment I can run only about 7 minutes in a 20 session, so that really needs to improve hey. Something else to aim at. BTW if you wanted to sponsor me there is a link at the top of the blog.

At the heart of what I want to achieve this year is still to do more of what makes me happy and less of what makes me sad.  I was thinking about a presentation I had written on spirituality. I shared

• If I don't do something creative I feel something inside me die
• If I don't spend time by water I feel breathless
• I find it hard to express emotions with spoken words but need to write or create art to express them
• I need to spend time with God to feel peaceful and centred
• I need routine and structure
• I need to spend time with people who love and accept me for who I am
• I take the dog for a walk to be surrounded by nature
• The way to completely still the thoughts in my head is to draw
• I love the way my body feels as each part works when I exercise

So I guess its easy, that's what I need to be doing this year as I follow this journey.

Why is it...?

I've been going back to my old sketch books over the last couple of days to find inspiration while it's way to cold to go hide in the shed. There are loads of ideas I've not translated into pieces, so that's a really good place to start with new pieces.

I've also been looking around at other blogs, I love seeing what people write and how they turn ideas into art pieces. That has good points and bad points...

The good being I love how different people see the world, I love how people see beauty in the small things in life and how others see beauty in things I just over look.

The bad... I think I've come up with this wonderful new idea. What I often do is let it mull around to see what it turns into. I'm beginning to think I should start playing with materials rather than holding these ideas in my head. Each time I think I've come up with something original, I find it in other peoples work. Not the exact idea but close enough that I begin to worry that if I make my idea that I will be copying.

In one of these artists work I saw a resin component almost identical to the one I'm half way through making. That is something that used to happen with one of my lampworking friends. I would have this fab idea and discuss it with her and show her my test pieces. Almost inevitably she had tried the same thing and her trial piece was so much better than mine.

Feeling frustrated I continued to read what the jewellery artist was saying. She was talking about not looking at other peoples work. About being inspired by nature or classic works of art.

Now that's something I can do.

So my plan

1. when I have an idea to start making it sooner rather than later and not discuss it with others
2. to spend more time either taking pictures of nature, looking at nature photos or just being out of the home
3. to stop looking at others work... rummaging through things like etsy is not good

So here we go... lets try this for more productivity

Temporarily Strung

On Sunday I went to the London Bead Show.  It was great to meet up with folks and get chatting to new people. 

It was a real shame as there weren't too many lampworkers around.  Less than a week before it I received a phone call from the organisers inviting me to show as they had had two lampworkers pull out.  Needless to say with so little notice it was impossible for me to get enough stock together to be able to do it.  Chatting to the organisers on the day the others they had contacted said the same.

I met these guys http://www.designercabochons.co.uk/  and have to say I'm in love with these cabs.  It takes me back to my roots in my jewellery journey where I was looking for something unique to set into silver.  I think if I had found these guys earlier I may have never become a lampworker at one level as the cabs are exactly what I was looking for

This one is temporarily wire wrapped with sterling silver wire so I get to wear it before it gets set in silver.  I love, love, love their stuff

Photo Journal

Yesterday was a really interesting day.  I decided to take up a challenge set by a friend to do a photo journal for the day, then do one a month through out the year.    I had to go round everything I did snapping everything, then scrapbooking the results.  OK so I don't really scrapbook in its paper form but created a digital version.

I've made myself giggle as none of the people in the photos are family, they are all friends I met as I went along the day.  I even managed to get a day where we go snow.  That was just after it had started.  Needless to say the amount of snow we were greeted by way more snow.

Anyway.... I thought I would be really off put by having to photo everything, I actually really enjoyed the experience... and I now have a fab record of the day.  It will be really interesting to see how the rest turn out through the year. 

It's one of those things I would recommend everyone have a go at.  First of all there's something about challenging a fear of looking a little stupid as you snap everything.  You'll be surprised how people really don't notice, even when the flash goes.  Having the record also is fab as if you're like me its so easy to forget the details of the day.