I said I would be back at the beginning of October to update you with where my thoughts have got to. I can genuinely say that I am in a different place.
I think I have processed the overwhelming feelings related to the miscarriages. I had my first period this month in years where I didn't burst into tears just because I wasn't pregnant.
I know there are 3 things I want for my life
- A baby
- A family home which my husband and I own – there is a long saga about not being able to sell a flat and living in rented accommodation in an area we want to live in.
- A life skills centre – a place where God is at the centre but people are given the opportunities to learn the skills that life has either stolen from them or not given them the opportunity to learn.
Each of these things I have spent time, energy and money trying to make happen and yet they haven't happen. I am in a place where I know I can not make any of these things occur but I know I need to live the life that I have been given.
I do not want to live my life waiting for things to happen.
I genuinely believe each of these things will happen, I guess I just haven't worked out the right timing for them in my life. But my life is more than waiting… it is living.
So where does this leave me and my creativity. I guess the bottom line is just where its always been. Its a really big part of who I am. In the last month I have knitted, crochet, learnt how to use metal clay, made some beads and started preparing a story plan so I can participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).
Where does it leave me and my business, that bit I don't know. What I do know is that it is important for me to create, I know that I am very good at starting projects and not finishing them, I am good at sabotaging myself so I never start things but I also know that there has been a shift in my thought processes. What that might look like in the future, who knows.
But I am genuinely in a much better place than I was a month ago.
Thank you to all of you who have reached out and touched my heart whilst I have not been writing so publicly.