Friday, 20 March 2009

Showing me

Originally uploaded by Julie Merrett Glass
You may have seen that I've decided to do a course called unravelling.

This week was really interesting for me and a building on some of the things I've already seen about myself. What struck me is that generally I'm a very confident person and thats the view that other people get to see.

The thing about photographs of me is that I get to see them to. There is something to be said about being blissfully unaware of my appearance so that I dont judge myself. A strategy which means that I have few photographs of myself and as a result few recorded memories.

There is more to be said about seeing my appearance and not judging mself. Not criticising every last detail and flaw but loving me, loving who I am. That image represents me at this moment in time. A time which will pass and never be repeated. Something that is recorded through the camera lens that can evoke memories rather than the faded images that run through our minds whch are distorted over time.

I have really come to love over this last week taking pictures of me, discarding the ones which are pretty duff and there were many of them. By taking many images I now have a few that I can say represent me now... and I like them... and as a consequence I like me a little more

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Slow down and smell the roses

I’ve said so often that I don't want to live in London and that I yearn to live somewhere on the south coast where there is a much slower pace of life.  I realized today how much of that fast pace lives in me and that if I were to move somewhere elflowers 006 copyse those thoughts would still be with me.  Just as they have when I have moved from job to job.

Over last few months I have been taking notice of the rhythm of my body, the whispers my body speaks to me when I’m not listening.  They really are asking me to slow down and I’ve been learning to listen to them.

I initially thought that it was just about dealing with my grief but there is something so much more than that.

I walked into Tesco at lunch today to pick up some bits and bobs.  The speed and pace of everyone around me seemed to be on another setting. A much higher one.  Everyone seemed so stressed and overwhelmed.  Including a mother who was pushing her shopping back out the car, holding her toddler by the hand, and the poor mite couldn't keep up with her.

The amazing thing was today I didn't feel the need to speed up to keep pace with them.  I got when I needed doing without feeling stressed.  I retained my peace and my tranquility and it felt good, good, good.  My creativity remained intact and there were flowing ideas.  It turned out to be a great lunch break.

It got me wondering, how many of the things I crave are very accurate but my solution is so very unhelpful and causes me to feel dissatisfied.  There is something about learning to love and live where I am.  Something which I’ve felt is such a corny thing to say… but you know I think it might actually be true.

Thursday, 12 March 2009

I wish I knew how not to hurt

I wish I knew how not to hurt.

The grief and overwhelming emotions I seem to be feeling since my Christmas miscarriage just seem to be getting deeper.  They seem like a bottomless pit of emotions.

It may be true that I’m processing the emotions relating to the other miscarriages and it may be true that we may have an answer as to why biologically its happening but that somehow doesn't touch my soul. 

I don't understand why having been blessed with the gift of life that has been taken away.  I don't understand how the pain seems to get deeper. I don't understand that even though you say to people it feels like my heart has been ripped out they still manage to ignore the pain.

I don't want to be rescued.  I know this is a journey I need to walk and need to get to the other side.  I know that I am loved and people care for me but I don't know how to let them walk this journey with me so I can feel that love.

My sense of not knowing and not understanding seems to stretch into every area of my life.  I know i have skills within my job, but if you asked me to write a CV at the moment, I don't think I could do it and tell you I’m any good at anything.  I know I have a loving father in God who holds me and keeps me safe, but I couldn't explain to you some of the other things of my faith.  It feels like a ball of uncertainty.  Although at least I have faith in a God who understands it and holds it even when I don't get it.

In this mess I feel a peace and a sense of things will work out.  The other side of that coin is to feel a sense of peace I have to let go of the things that I strive for, that I really want, that I cant get to.  Without letting go of what I desire I cant get what I need which is peace. In letting go of what I desire I strip away one more part of who I am and release more of myself into not knowing and not understanding.  I have to take one more step into the arms of a loving father.

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Closed For Business

I've made a huge decision regarding the business this week.

As you can tell by my blogging recently there has been a lot about me but nothing to really promote my glass art. That's because there hasn't been any. No that I haven't wanted to create, I have, it has just been in other avenues.

I have realized that I need to close down my glass bead business. Unfortunately it has become a millstone round my neck rather than something that I love. I love glass, I love making things with glass but there is something missing in my heart.

That may solely be down to my grief process and dealing with the issues following my miscarriages. There is something however in there about my attitude to money and how that becomes an overwhelming reason to create. Given what I long to create has meaning a purpose this is clearly unhelpful. I am also lucky in that I have a well enough paid job that I don't have to earn through glass.

I have learned how to be skilled in craft, I now know that I need to find my voice as an artist.

I don't know what I will do with the blog. Whether I will stay chatting in blog world or whether I will disappear here too. All I know is that there is something more to what I need to create and being tied to glass beads prevents me from doing it.

I would like to thank you all for your love and support recently