Saturday, 9 May 2009

Who am I?

pink bud

I hear myself ask that question and I find myself wanting an answer which is not trite or simple.

I can tell you things about me that I can do, some which I can do really quite well.  I can tell you about my character, my nature or at least my perception of them.  I could tell you about my dreams… but somehow that isn’t enough.  Over the last period of time it is like I have had these things stripped away from me, and I am left with just me.  But who am I?

I desire to be authentically me, the person who I have been created to be… but who is that?  I want to express love, to be loved, to create art… but what does that mean?

I look at other people and see them growing and changing, clearly becoming more the person they are created to be, to become authentically themselves.  Intellectually I am pleased for them but the cry in my heart is what about me.  Is there something about wanting to been seen and acknowledged… probably but there is something more than that in there.

I want to become me, I want to know me.  The crazy thing about that statement is that most people I know would tell me that I am incredibly self aware, very analytical… but is the answer that I am too analytical, asking too many questions?

What I am learning is that there is something about just “being”.  Holding that tension of not knowing and being comfortable with me as I am.  Knowing that I am perfect already, that I am good enough already and that I do not need to strive to achieve my identity.  I am learning how to “be” in the moment.

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