Thursday, 12 March 2009

I wish I knew how not to hurt

I wish I knew how not to hurt.

The grief and overwhelming emotions I seem to be feeling since my Christmas miscarriage just seem to be getting deeper.  They seem like a bottomless pit of emotions.

It may be true that I’m processing the emotions relating to the other miscarriages and it may be true that we may have an answer as to why biologically its happening but that somehow doesn't touch my soul. 

I don't understand why having been blessed with the gift of life that has been taken away.  I don't understand how the pain seems to get deeper. I don't understand that even though you say to people it feels like my heart has been ripped out they still manage to ignore the pain.

I don't want to be rescued.  I know this is a journey I need to walk and need to get to the other side.  I know that I am loved and people care for me but I don't know how to let them walk this journey with me so I can feel that love.

My sense of not knowing and not understanding seems to stretch into every area of my life.  I know i have skills within my job, but if you asked me to write a CV at the moment, I don't think I could do it and tell you I’m any good at anything.  I know I have a loving father in God who holds me and keeps me safe, but I couldn't explain to you some of the other things of my faith.  It feels like a ball of uncertainty.  Although at least I have faith in a God who understands it and holds it even when I don't get it.

In this mess I feel a peace and a sense of things will work out.  The other side of that coin is to feel a sense of peace I have to let go of the things that I strive for, that I really want, that I cant get to.  Without letting go of what I desire I cant get what I need which is peace. In letting go of what I desire I strip away one more part of who I am and release more of myself into not knowing and not understanding.  I have to take one more step into the arms of a loving father.

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