Studio Update

I’ve come to realise that when a girl features in my pictures that the picture is pretty much a self portrait of what is going on in my life.

I put all the flowers on because I thought they should be there.  If I was an artist and and glass artist, my picture should have more glass in there.

Only I was wrong.

As I looked at the picture I realised I needed to strip away the stuff that shouldn't be there.  But to do that would be painful and do damaging to the picture, but I knew I needed to do it.  Knew I needed to get rid of the flowers.

Its kind of like what is going on in my life, I feel like loads of things are being stripped back, taken away.

Some of it is easy but a lot of it is hard.

I’m now at a point with the picture that I feel like in my own life.  The yellow centred daisies have gone, and the picture really does lock a lot better.  The problem is I think I need to do more.  I think I need to completely sacrifice what I have now to get what it could be in the future.  And like in the picture, I don't know how much that will cost, or what it will look like.

I almost feel as if I need to create balloons which are fragile and can fly away, becoming what they were meant to be, rather than spring flowers which are here for a short season before they die.  In my own life I feel I need to let go of things which I feel have defined me, defined my pain, defined my path to go on the journey I was created to be on.

Studio Update

Last night the friends I was supposed to be visiting cancelled as Hannah was rushed to hospital with difficulty breathing and suspected problems with her pregnancy.  Clearly this touched many of my buttons and left me feeling a bit shaky.

I spent today with her 3 kids 2-13 years old looking after them as dad was at hospital.  It was generally going well till the 13 year old decided to do lunch and ended up serving me a single piece of toast with butter, less than she had given all them including the 2 year old.  Turns out there was no other food in the house.

Any way, I got home tired with a very low sugar level knowing the good news is that at the moment they have found nothing wrong with Hannah but there will be ongoing tests.  That didn't stop my irritability because I was so hungry. 

There was a parcel waiting for me which was full of some affirmation cards I have been working on for a little while.  The otters above are from the series.  In there were reminders to breathe and that I am enough as I am.  Seriously good timing.

I have completed 11 cards and I hope to either get to 15, 20 or 25 cards in a set.  Look out for them in the near future.

Love, Joy, Peace

Taken at London Zoo last week

So where has this whole happiness thing come from.  How come I’ve finally got to a place where I can say that I’ve woken up and feel happy?

I was mulling the Christian concept of the ‘Fruits of the Spirit’ – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control.  For years I have thought I can do those but I realise there is a difference between doing them and being them.

For me the key things in this are receiving love, joy and peace. 

Why specifically receiving love?  I think that giving love is about patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and faithfulness.  For me if I am automatically behaving in this way it is because I feel loved, peaceful and joyful.

Self control is important because it means I am actively deciding to put my self in a place where I can receive love, experience joy and be peaceful and actively avoiding situations that steal love, joy and peace.

So receiving love

• Spending time with my DH
• Spending time with family
• Spending time friends
• Generally being around people who love me and accept me as I am.

So Peace

• Eating and drinking right
• Exercising
• Getting enough sleep
• Journaling
• Meditating

And joy – and this is where I have to say I’ve realised that I’m struggling.  What I have learned over the last few months is sorting out how to do the love and the peace thing.  I’m just short on the joy. 

Part of that has to do with a very strong work ethic, part of it to do with a lack of money thing but primarily to do with my tendency to hibernate when I feel down.  Given that I’ve been feeling down for a while I’ve stopped doing stuff.  I no longer sail, ski, scuba dive, canoe, go to the theatre, dance… so this is the next step.  Doing stuff and avoiding hibernating. 

Good plan I think

Studio Update

This week has been one of those week which would typically shatter me, but it hasn't.

My period is with me, and for all of those of us who are trying for a baby, this indicates another cycle where our hopes have not been fulfilled.  Certainly since Christmas I have been devastated with the start of a period.   My DH also lost some contracts this week as the company he works for as a freelancer went into administration… hmmm must change side bar… Clearly that hits us financially, and causes me to worry – normally.  Oh and its his birthday today.

On Tuesday this all hit, my hormones and pain at its worst and Andy’s news… and I don't feel shaken by any of it.  I have been praying about the idea that I cant continue to live with this persistent sadness.  Regardless of whether I have a child or not, I need to be pain free,  I just can not live this life completely absorbed by the pain… and I guess it makes my blog a really hard read to consistently hear me say I’m struggling.

As I said last Friday I think I’m working out how to manage the pain, and given this week, I really think I’ve found something that works for me.

My plan is on Monday to write it up rather than a Bead Basic Tutorial as I feel that at the moment this is the most amazing thing I could share.  so please pop back then

Stoicism = So Happy I Could Bounce and Studio Update

I’m going to start this rather long post with my studio update followed with what this slightly bizarre title is about.

I have 3 sets of uncleaned comet beads which I really need to get round to listing.

I’ve also been painting, or at least working on the mixed media pictures

This is the one I showed you last week.  It now has its birds and some beading.  I think I might need to put a bit more movement into it, but hopefully by next wee it should be near being completed.

This is the one that I’ve recently started on.  Nothing is stuck down.  I’m thinking it might need some lampwork butterflies.

So back to the title.  It seems like one of the strangest things I could say but wow it so is.  I was watching a 5 minute presentation on Stoicism and looking at our fears rather than trying to improve our motivation.  The practicality of pessimism: Stoicism as a productivity system

It is so important to be grateful, so important to find out what we really want to do, but somehow in this I have always felt held back.  I’ve never been able to tie that down until this 5 minute moment.

Listening to what was being said something made a lot of sense.  In therapy I often get people to look at what the “bottom line” of what they are fearing is.  For some reason I hadn't considered applying this to my art work.

By Following the recommendation of creating a 3 column chart. I feel like something has lifted and I feel really excited.

• The first column being identifying all the possible worst case scenarios that could happen if you did what you're considering.  
• Column 2 Detail all the things that could minimize the likelihood of those worst case scenarios from happening.
• Column 3 Detail all the line by line action items that it'll take for you to get where you want to go. What do you have to do to make that change in your life, to avoid those worst case scenarios, and is it worth it?

I now have 37 clear things that I can do to stop the worst thing I fear happening from happening.  OK only 18 are linked to my deepest fear but I feel like I can move forward in a way that looking at only positive things hasn't been able to give. 

By recognising and identifying my fear it has lost control over me, for now anyway.  I also have practical steps which will help challenge my procrastination which is one of my biggest problems.

I feel so happy I could bounce.  My pessimism has been dissolved by looking at it head on

Conceptualising My Art Business – Part 4 Where?

Gosh I cant believe I’m on part 4.  It’s quite exciting to have set myself the target of doing a series … and actually finishing it.  That is one of my biggest problems, finishing.  So I’m learning to set smaller goals to achieve my bigger ones.

What I’ve done is taken the types of people I want to sell to and thought about where I might want to sell.

People who collect beads

I guess this is an area which is something which when I was aiming at creating arty beads this was part of my focus.  The consequence of making beads I love is that other people will love them and want to collect them.  I’m wondering whether having this as a primary focus for my beads is not so helpful.

As a thought these are areas I recon I could promote to collectors in.

• etsy
• eBay
• just beads
• my website
• art fire
• lampwork forums
• flickr
• retail shops

Jewellery designers

It seems to me that this seems to be who I need to be aiming at with regards to selling my beads.  I am coming to realise that I make the beads for me, as a distraction from stress rather than specifically made for jewellery.  So the truth is focusing on this group of people is about promoting what I have. What I have done in the past is become overwhelmed by what I think designers might want.  I am learning I can only be me, and in that I have something unique and special.

• jewellery forums
• flickr
• etsy
• misi
• art fire
• personal site

Women

lol…. this is such a huge statement.  It was referring to my affirmation prints and paintings which is what I am developing.  So as far as I can see so far these are some places to aim for.

• profiles on other artists blogs
• writing for other blogs
• sponsoring other artists blogs
• etsy
• mixed media forums

People who value creative, hand crafted goods

This goes for both the beads and the art.  As a starting place these are places I think I could aim at

• etsy
• misi
• folksy
• art fire
• not on the high street
• handmade forums
• Saatchi online
• galleries

Teaching Lampwork

As I’ve said before unfortunately I don't have the right location at the moment to teach at home..  May be one day.  Here and now it strikes me that these are my current options.

• lampwork forums
• other peoples studios
• bead shows
• personal site
• blog
• online tutorials
• tutorials for sale

My blog

Gosh there is so much advice on how to promote a blog that I really couldn't go into it here in this post.  Maybe in one in the future when I feel like I know more about blogging I will publish some how to’s

As you can see even in the process of writing this series, my thoughts have changed from week to week.  I’m not sure I’ve completely got all the answers but I know a few things for certain

1. bead making is something I do for me but I choose to sell so I need to learn how to market them with this in mind
2. Affirmation art is something I want to develop and focus my business mind on
3. Teaching and giving back is something I want to do and at this point in time the best place is here on the blog.

If you have been following this series you probably can see some things that I am missing.  I would really appreciate your observations and comment.  Thank you

Julie

Conceptualising My Art Business – Part 3 Who?

So the question for today is so who am I aiming my work at?  Who is my target audience? Who are my right people?

You know it feels a bit strange writing this on a blog and making it public.  I guess if you are reading this then the reality is in some way you are the part of the group of people I want to, for a better word, influence whether that be through my art, my beads or my words.

Glass Beads. 

So who do I want my beads to appeal to?  Err the egocentric answer is everyone, but that's not such a helpful answer is it really.  Need to come up with a better thought it it is about who I would like to sell to.

• I would like people to love my beads, so I guess there is something about selling to people who collect beads.
• I would like my beads to be usable and worn.  I would like my beads to be loved and used by jewellery designers

Paint and glass.

Given that this is the part of my business that is less well defined I guess it is the part that I need to think about the most.

• I would like my creations to encourage and affirm people.  So that is probably about aiming at women, creative types
• There is something about people who understand and appreciate hand made items
• I would like my faith to some how be reflected in the art so would that be about aiming at a Christian market or just acknowledging the reality that it is likely to be there? This is something that I haven't really thought through but maybe will evolve over time.

So the giving back thing.

For me this is apparent in a number of ways.

• I’m teaching guitar lessons.  You have no idea how funny I find this as I really don't feel like I have the skills to do this.  But the guys I am teaching sought me out and are clearly really enjoying it and that is such a buzz
• I am teaching art to some home schoolers.  I saw them on Friday and after an hour and a half, the time we had agreed, they were asking for more.  Just how cool is that?
• I would love to teach lampwork, but the reality is that I don't have the best environment to do that in at the moment.  What I am going to do instead is put a series of “Bead Basic” tutorials on the site
• I would also like this blog to be a place to give back.  A place where my words and thoughts can be an influence and be helpful

If you have any thoughts about who you think might be my target audience given my work I would really appreciate it.  Often other people see things that we don't see ourselves so your thoughts would be really appreciated.

Julie

Conceptualising My Art Business – part 1 Why - Summary

I was planning a 4 part series on conceptualising my business.  It was all going really well.  I published article 1, wrote article 2, so far so good.  I did something strange which meant that article 2 replaced article 1 loosing it forever.

This post is a summary of what was lost.  I’m sad that I have to do it this way as I’m aware that some of the energy of the first post will be lost.

So this is my conceptualisation of my business.  This is something I have developed for myself after reading a lot of information from other people.

As I was thinking about it I realised that some of these questions I have answers to but some I really didn't, and these were the fundamental questions.  Like why am I making, let alone selling

So why do I make, in essence there are two answers in that for me

1. because it is integrally part of who I am.  Without being creative I find part of me dying
2. there is something about me needing to give back through my creativity and seeing a difference in peoples lives.  For my art to have meaning

Its these two core issues which define my creativity.  It means that it is ok just to make things because I can but also to have something that has meaning.  As a consequent of this I have take some steps

1. I am allowing myself just to make things because I can.  This means I am allowing myself to enjoy making my dotty beads, and the flow of the molten glass.
2. I have started teaching people guitar and I am teaching some home schoolers art. 

What I have lost in this is the sense of meaning.  What that means is that there is something to explore about how to create meaning in my art.  This was covered in part 2.

Check Out To Find You Already Had What You Wanted

I am one of these people who enjoys planning, enjoys scheming and working out where I want things to go. The problem with this is that it can cause me to feel disconnected. Feeling like there is something more to life than I am somehow connected to.

My observation in life is that we tend to fall into categories those who tend to scheme all the time and feel overwhelmed and those who tend to drift and feel lost. Now I know these are generalisations but I’ve experienced as well as known the truth of it this week.

As a therapist I often explain that to have too much stress is to burn out but just as disastrous to mood and efficiency is rust out, when you just don't have enough pressure.

Last week I had a week away with my parents. When I do this, the world literally stops. By day 2 I was getting really wound up by doing nothing. By day 5 my husband and I were going loopy.

I had taken my paints to do stuff, a book to read, a screenplay I’m working on, things on how to improve my blog but I just couldn't get into anything. It was as if stopping robbed me of the ability to perform. Not only did my motivation vanish by so did my ideas. There was no planning, no scheming and I can genuinely say I felt my mood sink really fast. Rust out.

So how do I hold that with the learning how to slow down? How do I give myself space to plan and scheme without putting too much pressure on myself? It is almost as if I need to plan and scheme how to do a simple life. Some of it could be summarised by this great post about slowing down on Zen Habits.

Planning to slow down but having something to slow down from seems just as important. So I’ve decided that I will do that by identifying what I want from this week, then making a point of making it happen with specific goals.

So what are the key things that I want?

1. I want time to create whether that be with glass, silver, paint or words
2. I want to have time for relationships, with people I love
3. I want to earn money from activities which I see as being worthwhile.
4. I want to make a difference.
5. I want to be me,
6. I want to fully be who I was created to be, because only then will I be fully happy.

So things I need to do this week

1. Set specific time to create
2. Invite friends round for a meal or to the pub at least if I don't quite get round to cleaning the house
3. The truth is I see my paid job as worthwhile. I just need to learn how to give it direction. Therefore I need to set some time to plan and scheme… ooo things I do well.

I guess 4-6 will happen as I work on the other things. By focusing on the specifics I perceive that I will be able to stream line my life and therefore slow down. Interestingly to have time fro friends and time to create I have to slow down as well.

So back to the title of the post, I realise that as my life has sped back up today my ideas, inspiration and desire to create are returning. If I make a point of doing my already, everyday life, but slower and simpler I already have everything I need and want. So very simple but so very true.

Conceptualising My Art Business – part 2 What?

In an earlier post Conceptualising My Art Business – part 1 Why? I explored why I need and want to make.  This brought me to the interesting conclusion that the reason I make is not to sell but about what it intrinsically gives me and my desire to give back to others.

The conceptualising looks a little like this.

The second question for me here is if it is a business what is it that I want to sell.  I know that I find making to sell is some how a sell out but there has to be a balance somewhere.

Well I could make

• lampwork glass
• painting
• knitting (I’ve made huge amounts of baby clothes)
• sewing (I’ve made a wedding dress and clothes for others)
• jewellery (I’ve done courses in making silver jewellery and my next step would be to think about a BTec)
• hats
• bags
• cards

All these things I have made and sold at stages.  But what is it that I am passionate about making.  I guess the answer at one level is simple, glass and painting.

Great … that narrows it down to two huge fields.  Both of which are hugely competitive and I guess need specific focus on.

The glass thing as far as I can see, with the skills I have, breaks down into a few areas

1. Art glass beads.  I specifically like two types of design.  Those with a very geometric feel and beads inspired by nature.  I’m wanting to create beads with a more painterly like quality.
2. Production glass beads, which I have done and it really improved my skills but I chose to end because it stole my soul.
3. Mini sculptures.  My beads have often ended up behind sculptural from very early on.  I have also done some off mandrel sculpture which was great fun.  My dad has a kingfisher as a consequence.
4. Turning my glass into jewellery

I know there is way more to lampwork but not with my skill levels at the moment.

The painting thing for me is much more limited.  Or at least it feels as if it is.  What I know is that I loose myself in painting but have never produced anything that I feel is of a saleable quality.  What I do love about paint over glass is the depth of meaning I feel and see in the work.  I love the use of this medium for affirmations and the stories that can be told.

So this leads me to a question of whether there is something about combining these two areas to create something that is unique and distinctive to me.  Using glass and paint to create pieces which have meaning seems to be so very important to me and probably the best way forward. 

The draw back is that this is something completely new for me and to start with not a money making avenue… which to me seems to defeat the whole point of conceptualising a business around art.

I guess my plan to start with has to be about beginning to create daily within paint as I perceive I already have the skills within the glass to create what would be needed.  I also need to spend time creating glass beads which I love in the mean time.  Not primarily because I want to sell but because I love to make.

Shame and empathy

I have been thinking about my musing, live life as an exclamation not an explanation, Performing for an audience of one, Relentlessly pursue who I am created to be. As a think about them there is a real sense of wanting to be more than I am at the moment.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that but they got me thinking, what is it that stops me? Why am I musing on such similar themes? Am I actually changing or is it just light sunlight on a dandelion, I’m showing up the structures and its frail but beautiful in its simplicity?

So what is it that stops me, and the honest answer is I get so far then get overwhelmed by a sense of not being good enough. A sense that somewhere I am deeply flawed, in other words shame kicks in.

I have been thinking about shame resilience and how I can begin to protect myself from shame and I realise a simple truth. As I talk to others and give them the opportunity to show me that not only do they understand how I feel but that it’s OK to have these dark scary thoughts and feel this overwhelming gut wrenching fear, shame is beginning to loose its power over me.

I don't think I’m brave enough to share the specific incident which highlighted it all to me this week but what I do know is that giving other people the opportunity to show me empathy begins to heal my soul. I also actively noticed this week as I shared empathy with others, the impact it has on them and how healing it is,

So here’s to empathy. Really trying to come alongside someone and hear the situation from their point of view. The amazing thing with empathy is feeling heard and understood means that a solution to the problem doesn't have to be found. Empathy itself is the solution.

Live life as an exclamation not an explanation

I was looking at one of those posters which has instructions about living life.  Normally I look at them and think what a waste of time they are.  In this one this one sentence jumped out.

I so often find myself not truly being me, second guessing what I should be doing, worrying about what other people think.  As a consequence watering down who I am.  So often I find people disapproving of my playfulness not with words, but a look that says you shouldn't be doing that.  People tell me that I shouldn't respond one way but when I actively choose to do something different tell me that I have that wrong as well.

Actually, why do I let people tell me what I should do and why should I be trying to impress them.  But the blatant truth is I do, and I am sick of it.  I use up so much energy trying to justify and explain who I am rather than just living me.

I guess this ties up into my musing for the last few weeks of how do I perform for an audience of one and how do I relentlessly pursue who I am created to be. 

I am so aware that I feel so many things tell us how to be, how to eat, how to think, how to dress and how we unwittingly maintain these standards.  its partly about the media but its also about the people that we spend time with not necessarily in terms of friends but in terms of groups we belong to.  I have different types of clothes for different groups.  Now at one level that is logical because I couldn't wear something heavy when I dance.  But it seems to me that I am trying to create an image that fits in with the rest of the group as much as what is comfortable to wear.

This image sensor is so acute that when I do things like go shopping I am checking out to make sure I not only fit in the the general image of those around me, but I am doing it slightly better than everyone else.  Now the truth is I totally fail at it primarily because I refuse to spend the money it would take to do that but how does my little head even go there in the first place.

There is part of me that would like to go back to being the kid I was before I was bullied.  The one that was carefree, the one that when I was much smaller had to be put on reigns to stop me talking to strangers, the one who just enjoyed being me and wasn't constrained by the groups image.  You know one of the reasons why I was bullied for so long is that I refused to be like the rest of the group.  I used to do it naturally but I feel that that freedom has been beaten out of me.

I so want to be able to live my life as an exclamation not an exclamation.  Lifting my head to the world and shouting this is me rather than head down hoping that no body notices when I get it wrong.

Monday Musings: Performing for an audience of one

I’ve made a promise to myself that I will try and update this blog twice a week. 

• On a Monday with some of my thoughts and ramblings
• On a Friday with an insight into the art and creativity which has been happening here at Merrett Mansions.

Having made that promise to myself I was sitting here thinking, so what on earth am I going to write about today. 

My new normal pattern for a Monday is now to get up early, meditate, read the blogs I follow and update my own, then get either the paints out or head out to the shed to fire up the lampwork torch. It was in this process that I found the inspiration for today's ramblings, a precious story which really touched me. There in Gypsy Girls Guide was a story which somehow resonates so very deeply with me. 

I have been mulling over the idea of who is it that I am trying to impress.  I find myself at times overwhelmed by what I fear others are thinking of me and as a consequence I perform to those fears.  In India a group of performers performed just for her.  They were not hindered by the fact that there was only one person, that their art and this part of their life wasn't going to be seen. 

For me the challenge recently has been to try and perform for an audience of one.  That one for me being God.  These guys lavishly prepared and gave their best even though only one person was watching.  Just how amazing is that?  I feel so inspired to see such a practical demonstration of performing for an audience of one.  Richly lavishing my life on what I love regardless of whether it is seen or not.

Thank you Gypsy Girl for sharing.

Relentless

The phrase which runs through my head a lot at the moment is “relentlessly pursue who I am created to be.”  Now given my last post when I am questioning who I am you can see that this poses a bit of a problem.

Part of this however for me is beginning to recognise the things that I am not any good at and saying you know that doesn't matter.  There are people in  my life who can do those things and I need them.  Not only to be in relationship with me, but because I need them to be who they are to support me as I can support them become all we are meant to be.

Part of this is also beginning to recognise what motivates me, what drives me.  I’m becoming painfully aware that there are unhelpful things that motivate me, like how other people see me and pain that I have experienced and am experiencing. 

There are also more helpful things like wanting to see others become who they have been created to be.  Big ideal hey, but it’s what drove me to become a therapist, its what’s inspired me to do youth work.   But it has hit me, I looked at encouraging people to become who they are without first learning to become who I am.

Its like the commandment in the bible to love you neighbour as yourself.  I came to realise the biggest problem for me with this is I have to love others as I love myself.  And I have problems loving myself… Ok I’m getting a lot better at that one and I certainly don't dislike myself anymore. 

But I realise that the first part of the commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul.  What I’m learning, really beginning to understand is that if I understand who God is, it kinda answers who I am.  When I stop over analysing myself and focus outside of myself I feel far more peaceful, far more centred.

I know I don't really talk much about my faith but the truth is, it is at the core of who I am.  Trying to present myself without that core of me means I cant present who I truly am.  I can not be authentically me.  My intention is not to push my faith onto  people but to express who I am.  To begin to answer the question who am I and relentlessly pursue who I am created to be

Dreaming vs. living in the moment

I’ve finally realized why I needed to give up my business for a while.  I have this tendency to plan and scheme.  To try and nail down my future, how I want things to be, to somehow create the life that I want to live. 

In doing all that all I somehow forget to live. I forget to create the things that I want to.  Its somehow like trying to swim against a tide rather than swimming with it.  It somehow disconnects me from my feelings, from my dreams rather than drawing me into it.

What I know is that I want to have a small business… and that’s the problem.  I want to create a business rather than create art.  I want to make money rather than live a life with creativity.

The truth is I need to learn to live in the moment.  If there is art to sell then great.  I hope that it might lead to something more but I need to somehow learn to live in the flow rather than scheme where it will end up. 

All I know is that I am so much more peaceful not planning and scheming, and trying to avoid worry… now I need to learn how to do a creative lifestyle with out over planning.